The First 3 Hours of Saints Row IV

Have you played Saints Row the Third? You know, the crazy and outrageous 2011's title, the sequel to Saints Row 2 which many dubbed as GTA clone? Well, be it Saints Row 1, 2 or the Third, they are definitely not a GTA clone, and they're always trying to avoid looking like one. I had my most explosive (both literally and figuratively) gaming experience in Saints Row the Third. The game never tries to take things seriously, which is why it's so enjoyable. Most importantly, everything explodes in spectacular fashion!

But I hadn't had enough, so the Saints Row IV was immediately placed on my radar. Since its release, I had always wanted to play it straight away and see what mess the Saints have landed themselves into now, but I put the thought on hold and saved it for my semester break. Well, now I can sit back and play! No more drooling over the trailers! So here you go, the first 3 hours in Saints Row IV!

A short narration about the Saints being epic and all kicks off the game, followed by a cutscene showing the Saints on board a chopper. Judging from their attire and conversations, they're on an assassination mission assisted by an MI-6 agent (or the other way around). Pierce doesn't seem to trust her though, and keeps complaining about everything being a set-up. I'm sure he's just being dramatic. But the boss and the rest of the crew are cool with her, since she's a friend of the Russian giant Oleg.

They meet up with the MI-6 agent, Asha Ordekar who's a little upset that the Saints are late, causing them to be 3 minutes behind schedule. It seems that the Saints are still holding up to putting "punctual" into their dictionary (that is, if they have one). But just 3 minutes? Well, I'm quite surprised they were not an hour late. Maybe someday they'll be punctual. That's OK, take your time, Saints.

You just couldn't wait, could you?

While they're scouting the entrance of the compound they're supposed to infiltrate, the boss, as usual, does not wait until the end of the discussion. He quickly springs into action and pulls his stunts, eliminating the guards guarding the entrance in mere seconds. Now they can safely enter the compound.

Kinzie, I'm as shocked as you are.

It turns out that Matt Miller now works for the MI-6. But apparently either Kinzie or Matt (or both combined) aren't good handlers because suddenly the Saints bombers (or the MI-6's, but I'm pretty convinced they're the Saints crew) start dropping bombs into the compound, care less to the safety of operatives inside. I think Kinzie told them to stop, or else this would be just a five-minute long game. Typical Saints, carefree and unorganized.

Later, it is revealed that their assassination target is Cyrus Temple. He's the former leader of STAG from the previous game. Cyrus now works with terrorists in order to get his revenge on the Saints. This won't make sense though if you chose to kill Cyrus in the previous game because that means he's already dead so how come he could show up in the fourth game. But since I did let Cyrus go in order to save my crew, it makes perfect sense for me that Cyrus finally appears here to settle some scores.

This isn't fair!

Cyrus obviously has to die since his ultimate plan is to nuke Washington. I managed to kill him (for good I hope), but not without him activating the launch of the nuclear missile. Apparently my character isn't bright enough to have snatched the controller off of Cyrus' hands during their fistfight. And so the boss, agile as always, rushes to the warhead and leaps aboard to disarm the the thing.

Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" begins to play in the background and everybody starts saying goodbye because they think the boss is sacrificing himself to save the world. Fortunately for everyone, he eventually managed to disable the warhead. Or not... Well, whatever he did there, he did manage to make the missile detonate midair before it could ever reach DC skies.

Spectacular!

Well, maybe I have underestimated the boss's level of intelligence. Disarming a missile mid-air, that's rad! Later, the boss free-fell and landed himself into the White House (which the Saints later rename to White Crib) and this brings us into the character creator screen. The character creator is pretty much like in Saints Row the Third. The hairstyles, taunts and compliments from the previous game return. In addition to these, there are some new ones. There are also new taunts and compliments.

Since I kept my presets from Saints Row the Third, I didn't spend too much time meddling with the creator. Just for the record, I save presets so that I can keep playing as the same character from game to game. I had two different characters in the Third (in order to make different decisions just to see the different implications): the guy whom I called the Boss and the woman whom I also called the Boss. I'd go with the guy first.

I wonder if he actually knows what he's reading.

Five years later, it's clear that the Saints have become so popular and loved (thanks to the boss for saving Washington during the intro mission) that they have taken over the United States. My character, the boss has been elected President, albeit not really a bright one. Now, we're heading into the conference room to meet the media, greeting friends and staffs along the way.

This is a tough choice to make.

Hah! Decision-making! Cancer vs hunger. This one's hard to pick. I'm not sure if my choice would have any implications later in the game.

This one's easy. Hint: let's not make him breed anymore.

I meet up with Shaundi, one of the boss's most loyal lieutenants and a friend. As you know (if you're awesome enough to have played Saints Row the Third), despite her faboulous looks and knack for showing off curves, Shaundi has developed a rather serious personality since the death of Johnny Gat in the previous game.

From the look on her face, you know she's up to some serious conversation with the boss. Sure enough, Shaundi informs me of the MI-6's warning of the possibility on an alien invasion. Nice Shaundi, straight to the point! Unsurprisingly, the boss thinks she's just joking. Had I not watch the trailer, I won't believe it either. That'd probably the last thing she'd say but she seems serious about it. Just as the boss is about to dismiss the claim...

Kabboom!

The aliens are here for real!

The aliens announced their arrival, something about a brighter future, blablabla, then they captured Shaundi, who just now ran straight into their general, Zinyak. Surprisingly, they didn't seem to notice that me the president there. Probably because my character doesn't look at all like a president. So now, the boss (I'll just keep calling him the "boss" instead of the "president"), seeing his friends captured, sprints to his office for, what else, guns.

Ah, saw this. They must have probably looted these monuments from the bank they robbed during the previous game's intro.

Awesome, now that we're done with the cutscenes, I get to control the boss. Later on, my other friends and staffs are captured one by one by the invading aliens. As I struggle to figure out what's happening, I might as well test out my guns and kill as many aliens as possible. Well, actually, I'm just pissed that they came and destroyed my White Crib, my cabinet and my gang.

In the name of Lady Liberty, Uncle Sam and Because I Just Want To, I managed to shoot down the main alien battleship. Fueled by anger and excitement, I leap straight into the cockpit where I come face to face with the alien general, Zinyak. Maybe it's a little too early for a bossfight. Zinyak beats me up like ragdoll til I pass out...

I wake up to find myself somewhere strange… Now, where am I?

Eh, why am I walking like this? This is ridiculous! I hear people laughing in the background. Hm, my best guess is that I've been dropped into some kind of a sitcom called Leave It to the Saints set in the 50s. So I must be trapped in virtual reality, or augmentated reality, something like that...

The boss is oblivious to the situation though. Zinyak might be watching. For now, I'll just go with the flow. To the kitchen we go then. Shaundi's been waiting for me there. What's happened to Shaundi?

It turns out she's the boss's wife in the sitcom and she's preparing him breakfast. Apparently, if you're playing as a female character, your character and Shaundi (not that I'm saying they would be) would look like a lesbian couple since the developers didn't switch her with a male Saint such as Pierce or Oleg. Anyway, I entertain the thought of watching Shaundi cook, since this might be the only time I get to see people cook in this game. This is just weird.

Now I'm heading outside to pick up a newspaper, which takes so much effort to do. Wow. I don't know whether to laugh or frown. Then this cop, who came out of nowhere, invites me for a ride around town. Sure, why not.

This is when things get weirder: I can't drive like I always do. Somehow, I'm forced to drive properly: use the correct lane, at an appropriate speed. Whenever I try to steer the car elsewhere, it automatically steers itself back to the right lane.

I meet everyone in town, and that's when the boss finally realizes that those people aren't real. I try to curse and swear, but they're all bleeped out. No wonder I couldn't drive recklessly! I'm trapped in a simulation where everything foul and inappropriate isn't allowed!

Everyone starts swarming me! From the look of it, they're not asking for my autograph, but they're going to rearrange my face! I’m not going to wait to see what they’d do to me. I quickly sprint outside, and back to the car. Now that I know the truth about this whole make-believe realm, it can no longer take control of me. It’s about time I showed these folks how we drive in Steelport.

I finally got in contact with Kinzie, who confirms my suspicions. She orders me to go to a nearby park and wreak havoc. Okay, so now I get it. In order to escape this simulation, I have to be myself and do what I'm good at: making things and people explode. First, I did this only with a pistol, but then Kinzie sent me a rocket launcher to make my job easier.

After so much chaos has been done, the simulation can no longer take it. This isn’t what it expects me to behave. I almost break free from the simulation, when Zinyak suddenly appears. So it’s true. He’s the one who trapped me inside this awful simulation! But there seems to be nowhere to escape!

Zinyak catches me and places me into another simulation: that of the modern-day Steelport. So, Zinyak is actually not just some trigger-happy alien warlord with a brain with a size of a peanut. He's actually a very smart creator: an architect capable of building systematic virtual worlds and imprison people in them. He gave me a warning: if I ever try to get away again, he'll destroy the "pitiful" planet Earth. I doubt the boss took that warning seriously. I know I don't.

Zinyak put me directly in front of my penthouse, which he destroyed earlier. Not just that, he also destroyed some of the tallest buildings in Steelport, which are my favorites. My old apartment has also been destroyed. Kinzie seems to enjoy that though. Thanks a lot, Kinzie. But since this is only a simulation, or so I think, I'm not that worried and hopefully the real-life versions of these buildings in Steelport are still intact.

As you can see, I switched to the lady boss. I lost contact with Kinzie for a while just now, but now she manages to reach me again but not physically though, I can only hear her voice. Well, that's good enough. She's a real cyber whiz. My character is still confused though. I'm as confused as she is, so now we're just depending on Kinzie to tell us what to do and what's really going on. 

My first instinct is to get a ride. Well, let's do that then. Luckily, this simulation isn't similar to the previous one. It doesn't restrict anything. Finally, I get to leap around and crash on things! About time I destroyed something or... someone. One of the most important things you need to know about Saints Row is that everything that can be destroyed, is meant to be destroyed. By you.

Let's stroll around Steelport for a while, shall we? Now that I can get a closer look at Steelport, I noticed that those tall buildings weren't actually destroyed; they were just replaced by equally tall, hovering stations of some kind. Other than that, Steelport remains the same.

Hang on a second. Other things seem to have been changed as well. The street signs, the billboards, they're all displaying images of Zinyak! He might be smart, but looking at the billboards, he would be the last person any modelling agency would hire.

By the way, I think it's about time we asked ourselves: why are aliens always so hideous? So far nobody has ever come up with an image of an alien that is more attractive than us humans, unless they are human-ish aliens. 

Apparently Zinyak doesn't like being called ugly.

My eyes are going really wild at the moment. They're analyzing everything around me. For what? Vehicles! That's right. Cars, bikes, trucks, whatever. I'm looking around in case there are any new vehicles. New is always better.

Right now I'm driving a Pacemaker. Previously in Saints Row the Third, this is a police-only vehicle. This means that nobody else rides it but them. I liked this vehicle so much before, so I stole one and heavily tweaked it to un-cop it. That car being made public here means only one thing: the cops now drive a new kind of ride!

And it's this cool-looking car they get to drive!

Damn it, why do the cops always get to roam around in the best-looking car in Saints Row? Fuck this, I'm going to steal one of those and make it my own! There are, nevertheless, some new vehicles cruising around but I'm not really interested in them. They're not as cool as the police car. Besides, I'm always attracted to what I can't easily get.

I managed to steal a police car, but I got too excited, pulled some of my best but ridiculous stunts and wrecked the gorgeous ride beyond recognition in the process. Lesson learned. I should have tweaked it in the garage and add some durability to it. So I stole another Pacemaker and this time I sent it into the garage straight away and did what I should have done with the police car.

The car customization screen is also similar to the one in Saints Row the Third. But everything seems more organized and categorized. There are also some new rims, vinyls, etc. If I might not be so bold, this customization screen is better than the ones in any racing games. Just take a look at the Rim Jobs section.

You don't have to browse each rim one by one as you normally would just to see what they look like. Besides, nothing is locked. I hate it when they lock all the cool stuff in racing games according to levels. Why restrict me from buying what I want just because I haven't reach the required level? Geez, I have enough cash, just let me buy them already. Don't you agree?

The next thing to do is to get myself off these 50s attire. As I was on my way to the store, I recalled how robust the character customization was in Saints Row the Third. There was no restriction at all. Dudes can wear skirts and girls can wear monk's hairstsyle.

Anyway, I somehow destroyed my ride on my way here, so I hopped into this van to cover the remaining distance, which is just a couple of blocks away. Why walk when you can borrow other people's ride, right? Oh and by the way, I almost destroyed the minibus and two other vehicles right in front of the store. *clap clap* Now that I mentioned the store, something seems off here.

The fuck? Who told you to rename my shop to Planet Zin? First you destroyed my old apartment and now this. You've crossed the line, Zinyak. Stop driving my customers away with this ugly name you've given to my clothing franchise. At least don't put your faces all over the walls. I am not well-versed in all these business-thingy but I'm sure you have ruined a lot of things. Nevermind, I'll get to you later.

Hey, look! I can purchase the outfit I wore during the intro mission. But why re-purchase? Don't I have that already?

After getting a new ride and some quick shopping (I found out that these two are actually side missions and I did them without knowing so, but I guess Volition have been expecting that this is what players would do, so they made it into side missions), we're set for the main mission.

The best thing to do now until we figure out something better later on, according to Kinzie, is to get to her "inner sanctum", which is just a fancy name she uses to refer to her hideout. As soon as I arrived, the game tells me that I can save cars with the "N" key while I'm in one. There’s no need for a garage, I can just get my vehicle delivered straight to me with a phone call. Why didn't you tell me earlier? I would have saved that police car!

Unfortunately for Kinzie, her inner sanctum has been stripped off to nothing. I'm sorry, Kinzie. I'm sure you had some really important things stuffed here and now they're gone. So sad. Now you understand how I felt like when I found only debris on what used to be the site of my old apartment, right? It's about time you learned something. Suck up the bitter reality, kid.

No time to be sentimental. Let's get to plan B then. Kinzie has detected data clumps - I mean, clusters- at various locations in Steelport and asks me to approach those data clusters and "absorb" them up.

Although it seems dangerous, I have to admit that for now everything is still blurry, so I'll just do as told and let Kinzie boss me around for a while. It's better than just walking in the dark. Best not tell her that, or she'll cherish her golden moments more. Plus, absorbing these clusters makes me feel good.

It seems that those clusters are giving the me some kind of power and that power is Super Sprint: the ability to sprint faster than cars. Wait, I think I was given two powers, the other one being the ability to super-jump. Awesome! Just to make sure I really know how to use these powers, the game lets me test them in a short tutorial.

I'm the new Flash!

What do you expect me to do then? Well I think it's time to do what any sane person would: test the power on my own. There are a lot of activities scattered all over Steelport which you can take part in to put your super powers to use. I desperately need an excuse to Super Sprint, so I took part in the type of activities called Blazin'.

Previously in the Saints Row the Third, Blazing is a bike-racing activity that takes place in virtual reality (yes, the Saints Row series first started going crazy in Saints Row the Third). And yes, that isn't a typo, back then it was known as Blazing, not Blazin'. Also back then, the boss didn't have any super power. Now that she has one, she doesn't need bikes anymore. But for now, enough about superpowers. There will be more of these to come. As I was super-sprinting here and there, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye: a gunstore!

Guns, guns, guns! Look at these guns here! Small guns! Big guns! Weird guns! Alien guns! Here in the gunstore, you can buy new guns, and upgrade them. Wait a minute, what's with the Buy Ammo option? I don't know why they're still selling ammo in stores, in Saints Row I never buy ammo! Haha! There are a lot of options available in each section. Now you can customize the looks of your guns too!

I know what you're thinking. Hey, what's with the gun above? That's an alien gun that sends signals to UFOs to abduct people! It's not a gun, it's a tracking device that looks like a gun, so it's a gun! How cool is that? Wait, I think I heard the sensible side of me asking myself... Whose UFO? The Zin's, or that of another alien race? How is it possible for this UFO to infiltrate the Zin's air defense and leave undetected? So, does that mean we have the aliens on our side now? Who cares! It's Saints Row!

Anyway, later on, with the new powers I had, I thought it was about time I fought one of Zinyak's henchmen. The fight was pretty tough, I must admit. But I managed to weaken him and drained him off his power, destroying him in the process. His power is now mine but I won't tell you what it is. Okay, it's the power to freeze things (and people) and blast them.

Eventually, Kinzie found a way to get me out of the simulation through a portal she transported on a roof top. So here's the plan: once I get to take control of my physical body, I am to find a way out of wherever my body is stored and then she'll rescue me. Solid plan, Kinzie.

I woke up to find myself naked in some kind of a space dungeon. Censored of course (oh just look at those disappointed pervs upon hearing this). And so I had to storm out of the place butt-naked.

It seems that a lot of escapes have to be done in Saints Row IV. Also, I noticed that they're making a lot of references to various video games but we'll talk about that later in another post, perhaps. Anyway, I managed to escape the space dungeon and joined Kinzie and Keith in an alien spaceship they stole. We escaped the alien compound, which appeared to be some kind of a gigantic space station.

Do a barrel roll!

Now we are en route back to Earth to get some help. There are some places that the aliens haven't attacked yet. We're hoping to find some help there. Prepare yourself, Zinyak! You're messing with the wrong race! Don't fool around with us humans! And most importantly, don't mess around with the Saints! We'll destroy you hostile aliens!

Earth was just in sight when the planet suddenly... explodes!!! In fact, I was too shocked to take a screenshot of the scene. Apparently, Zinyak is the type of person -I mean, alien- who stays true to his words. He blew up the Earth! Everything's destroyed. Everyone's killed. It's all gone! Had I known that, the destruction of my apartment and favorite buildings in Steelport would have been the least of my concerns.

Look at those faces. Precious. You don't get to see the Saints with this expression every day. Serve them right.

I suppose the best thing to do now is to stay in the stolen ship and return to the simulation. Once we got there, I tried to calm the sad and angry boss by stomping and smashing innocent pedestrians. That should calm her nerves.

The boss takes her time to stage her tantrum for a while. Can't you see? She has feelings too! She's angry and bitter! Most of her friends were killed when Zinyak blew up Earth. Deep inside, she's also quite envious that Zinyak gets to blow the entire planet before she has the chance to do so.

Zinyak blew up Earth and this guy took the blame.

Alright, now that she's done with her therapy, it's payback time! But we can't rush things. Let's do it one step at a time. First, we have to take over some of the stores to weaken the simulation. Then, we'll kill more henchmen and claim their superpowers. Also, not everyone is dead, some of them were captured during the attack at the White Crib, remember? They're imprisoned somewhere and we have to rescue them.

Okay, so now I have hit the third hour of my gameplay. More like fourth actually. Since I have revealed some of the crucial early plots to you, I'll stop right here before I get too far. Don't worry, these were just minor spoilers. But in case you're curious, here are some of the things I did later on, I'm going to tell them in a non-spoilery kind of way:

A few missions later, I have new superpowers (including telekinesis!) and some new alien guns in my possession. Besides that, I now have an AI on my side, which for now is only functional in the simulation, but not in real-life.

It might be worth mentioning, in one incident, I hit a bunch of funny-looking people because I thought they were non-physical virtual images that my car could pass through. It turned that they are... er, I mean... were, real people. But hey, I hit people all the time! Well, I guess I'd feel a bit guilty though if I did them unintentionally.

Also, since Matt Miller is as good a computer whiz as Kinzie, rescuing him before any other people sounds like a brilliant idea. Even though Kinzie protests, the boss insists that we should rescue him since we need all the help we can get. The boss isn't that stupid. Maybe she's just a smartass acting dumb.

Matt's trapped here.

Just like everyone else including me, Matt Miller is trapped in a simulation of his own. After rescuing him, who was also butt-naked (it seems that the Zins have developed the pleasure of stripping unconscious humans) from the simulation and then from the same space station in which I was trapped, I went back to the Steelport simulation and did some more activities to weaken it, from the generic activity of taking over stores…

I want my stores back!

…to cooler activities such throwing people and things using my new-found telekinetic ability…

…to driving bikes in virtual reality while listening to Zinyak reading poems…

…and to this new cool one called Super Power Fight Club.

I saw the name and was like, "Hey let's do this this instant!" During the activity, I get to put all of my current powers to the test. Ah, for the record, previously I also drove a tank and bike in virtual reality, threw people and cars, destroyed orbs.

But the most exciting of all, I also controlled a robot, I mean, a power suit and made things explode in spectacular fashion! Spectacular fashion, I love that phrase.

This article isn't doing the game enough justice. If you want to know how explosive the game can get, how twisted the Saints are and how many people you can crushed to death at once with a big ball that you control via telekinesis, then it's about time you tried Saints Row IV.